No, I’m not talking about syphilis. I’m talking about…a child’s laughter.
Actually it’s not that, either. I’m talking about a three-year-old’s mouth. The place where adult idioms meet a child’s imagination/naïveté/ego and hilaritycomes spewing out.
Here are a few recent gems from Declan:
1. “Dad! I have a really, really big surprise that’ll…scrunch your eyeballs!”
*Editor’s note: Keep in mind while reading this list that Declan delivers these lines with the enthusiasm of Richard Simmons leading a jazzercise video. And there’s almost always a dramatic pause before he delivers/yells the punch line two inches from my face.
2. (Holding up a crayon) “Blue and green make… Turk boys!”
3. Colleen: “Please eat one more carrot and then you can have dessert.”
D: (puts carrot between couch cushions)
Colleen: “Did you just put the carrot in the couch?!”
D: “By accident.”
4. Me (trying to impart fatherly wisdom) “There are a lot of the things that matter more than money.”
D: “Yeah, like soap and baths.”
*Editor’s note: he later added “toys” to the list of things that matter, thus regaining his Sesame Street cred.
5. “Dad, come see the big explosion I made with my penis!”
*Editor’s note: turns out his foreskin got stuck to his leg and he peed all over himself. So proud.
6. “Dad! You’re going too fast! Go the speed lemon!”
7. “I don’t like yogurt because I’m 3.”
8. “I’m a three year old grown up.”
9. “I don’t want to play Candy Land. It’s a dessert game.”
10. “Mama’s not my favorite ninja turtle. (Long pause) Good thing she’s not a ninja turtle.”
*Editor’s note: Apparently Mikey is his favorite ninja turtle even though, to my knowledge, he has never seen the show.
11. Doctor: How are we going to get the monkeys out of your ear?
D: Maybe we can draw a door.
Editor’s note: This was at the appointment where we found out he had an ear infection. Our doctor is funny like that.
The last one needs a scene setter. It’s 6 am. Our dog, Watson, has unsuccessfully tried to rouse us from bed and has, as a last resort, barged into Declan’s room to sniff around.
12. D (to Watson): What the heck are you doing?
*Editor’s note: I’ve heard him use the phrase “what the heck” maybe one other time in his life.
D (20 seconds later): Oh, you want breakfast! I get it.
“I get it” is a popular line these days. Judging by the comments above, he clearly does.