It’s confusing, I know. The noises. The facial expressions. The involuntary body spazz-outs. So let’s break it down with science. Is your baby possessed by the Devil, or is it just a bowel movement?

Observation: Your child is strangely quiet and staring off into the distance, eyes vacant.
Conclusion: They are trying to poop.

Observation: Out of nowhere, your child screams in short, rhythmic bursts like Robert Plant at the beginning of “Immigrant Song.”
Conclusion: Your child is a musical genius and you should probably count on them making millions of dollars and funding your retirement. Or, more likely, they are just trying to poop.

Observation: Your child grunts and looks directly into your soul while scowling.
Conclusion: Your baby is now a teenager. Congratulations. Time really does fly. Or, more likely, nothing has changed in the space-time continuum and they are still just a baby trying to poop.

Observation: Your child is now grunting incoherently while swinging his/her arms.
Conclusion: Your child is former tennis star Monica Seles. So that’s cool. Or, you know, the poop thing. It could be that.

Observation: Twitching begins. More loud noises. Grimacing.
Conclusion: Your child is probably possessed.

Observation: Your child returns to normal.
Conclusion: It was poop.

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