Hard to sneak in 5 minutes to write much less an hour these days, so here’s a blurb or two:
Colleen went back to work full-time last week. So now I’m flying solo with Declan in the mornings, then the nanny’s with him from 1 to 4:30, and Colleen gets him until he goes to bed. Initial impressions:
1) I’m exhausted. Being solely responsible for Declan for even half the day is totally different than tag-teaming him in the mornings. More adrenaline, less sitting in one spot. I also experience more of the fussing than I used to, which can be emotionally draining. At the same time, I can’t imagine working a 9-5 shift and NOT getting this time with him.
2) We picked a good nanny. She engages with him and seems to be at ease at our house. He clearly likes her. Then again, he’s a big flirt.
3) It’s not sustainable. Colleen and I have consistently made choices prioritizing our relationship and our family. The current situation included. But seeing her only on weekends and for a few groggy minutes in the morning or late evening on weekdays just won’t cut it long-term.
I mentioned the adrenaline. My mornings are now an awful lot like my evenings in the newsroom. Which is to say: I feel like I’m always on deadline. There’s a certain addictive quality to that. The rush of trying to get stuff done–of keeping to a strict schedule–is a pretty good way to clear the head. At the same time, it’s draining. And I’m not entirely sure I’m cut out to be flooring it 24/7. Sometimes it’s just nice to cruise around at 30 mph.
No shortage of pontificating about his death today, but here are a few of my observations:
1) I’ll always remember him for his roles in Good Will Hunting and Aladdin. Quite the range.
2) It is a rare thing to be truly, outwardly one-of-a-kind. To not conform. To follow your own crazy thoughts all the way down the track, no matter who comes along for the ride, no matter who jumps off the train when it gets a little too wild. He seems to have done that.
3) Everyone–regardless of social status, age, gender, money, career–can slip into that deep, dark place where hope seems lost. Ultimately, the lives of those around us are out of our control. But we can make the choice to be good to one another, to take time out from the rush of each day to connect with those around us. Sometimes they will not reach back directly. Sometimes they’ll reach out in whatever way they can. Robin Williams found ways to connect through his own darkness. His art. His philanthropy. There’s bravery in that. I appreciate his gifts and I’m sad he’s gone.