Aren’t lists just oh-so-useful in keeping track of life? Don’t you love the way they are free of emotional drudgery and, instead, simply spit out fact after cold hard fact? Maybe, like me, you find things are so much more official-looking when you put numbers in front of them. And maybe–like the millions who click on links with titles such as “36 things I can’t believe I did in the ’90’s (and OMG you won’t believe #12…I can’t stop laughing”)–you enjoy “reading” and “learning” but want to be free from such trivial and archaic conventions as, you know… verbs and punctuation marks. Yes?!

Well, then…have I got a list for you.

23 THINGS MY SON PUT IN (OR ATTEMPTED TO PUT IN) HIS MOUTH THIS WEEK

1. Cardboard
2. Tube of “butt paste” (organic)
3. One of my favorite childhood stuffed animals
4. His toes
5. His sunglasses
6. My sunglasses
7. My hat
8. A strap from the high chair
9. A blanket
10. The filing cabinet
11. “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” book
12. The moon in “Goodnight Moon”
13. The leg of our desk chair
14. Part of the laundry basket
15. His clothes
16. The comforter on the guest bed
17. A shower curtain
18. My fingers
19. Xylophone mallets at the Children’s Museum
20. My Nirvana box set
21. A clump of dog hair he pulled out of Watson
22. The baby monitor
23. The full-length mirror in his room

But wait, there’s more!

THINGS MY SON PUT IN HIS EYE THIS WEEK
1. Food
2. His fingers (often covered in food)

THINGS MY SON PUT IN HIS NOSE THIS WEEK

1. (Once again) Food
2. (Once again) My sunglasses

THINGS I PUT IN HIS NOSE THIS WEEK

1. My finger (you know, to clean out the food)

So there you have it. Life is so easily understandable when you break it down into lists. Now go about your lives, and forget you ever had to hear about a human being attempting to eat a clump of dog hair. It ain’t right.

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