Hi, my name’s Declan. I’m a Virgo. I enjoy loud noises, smearing food all over my body, and peeing at the exact moment my diaper has been removed.

And guess what I’ve discovered?!

Mom and Dad seem to have these things they want to do. Separate from me. I don’t understand it. But I know this. It is a weakness. They need to go to the kitchen for just a minute to make breakfast? I’m two rolls away from putting the dog’s hairy, peanut butter-encrusted toy in my mouth. They just have to check their phone for Facebook updates? I can scoot (on my head!!!)
from the middle of their queen-size bed to the edge in approximately 2.6 seconds. Bathroom emergency because of that extra-large tea? My arms can now reach light sockets, and I have to say, they look a lot more interesting than anything else on the wall! By the way, are you going to eat that iPhone charger? Because I am starving and will gladly stick either end in my mouth.

You see, slaves/parents, you appear to have needs and desires that have nothing to do with me. And because of this, you run around constantly busy and distracted. But me? I have nothing better to do than an impromptu taste test of the bottom of your sandal. I have nothing on my agenda to prevent me from grabbing the Furry One’s ear, digging in my nails, and giving a good, hard yank. My to-do list? See it. Grab it. Put it in my mouth. It could be a pacifier. It could be a cactus. Don’t know, don’t care. My life is like the edible version of Russian Roulette.

What you don’t understand, tall ones, is that I seriously have nothing better to do. And that is why I am winning at life. Just wait until I can crawl.