We are raising a bobblehead. The six-month check-up revealed Declan is in the 25th percentile in weight and height…and the 90th percentile in head circumference. He’s basically Stewie Griffin at this point.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. More room for all those brains, right? It’s not just the size of the head, though. It’s where he stores his fat. All that breast milk is going somewhere, and it’s not his thighs. Well, ok. It’s his thighs, too. But most of it? Most of it’s going to his face. I mean, his face cheeks are bigger than his butt cheeks right now. Think about that. Is that normal? His cheeks are like the arms of La-Z-Boy recliners. To say they’re reminiscent of a squirrel gathering nuts is misleading, because I’m pretty sure there are entire squirrels living in the lining of his jowls.

The practical impact of having a baby with such a big head is that certain milestones are not achieved easily. Sitting up, for example. When I was a kid, I collected these big head baseball cards, which featured (for some reason) the heads of superstars like Barry Bonds blown up to the size of balloons and then rested upon normal-sized shoulders.


Looking back, these cards were actually scarily accurate at predicting the Steroid Era even though, at the time, they were so ridiculous as to be novelties. Well, Declan is basically the real life version of those cards. There’s no way his bowling ball head is sitting on his toothpick neck for any extended period of time. We’re just lucky he’s able to hold his head up at all. If this continues, I may consider getting him a neck brace like the guy from Office Space just to give him a rest every once and awhile.

No wonder he seems more interested in talking than crawling. He wants to tell us his neck is killing him.

So I’m not counting on unassisted sitting anytime soon. I’m just happy he can do this.

And if anyone wants a cut of a Declan bobblehead product line, just let me know. Any profits will go toward his chiropractic needs later in life.