Disclaimer: I do not advocate lying. That said, kids, lies are one of those special adult things that may be bad for YOU but are necessary for US. Do as I say, not as I do. You know the drill. Now go to your room and think about what you’ve learned while I tell the nice people about the lies that get me through the day:

This shirt smells ok.

It’s not gross to pick your child’s nose.

He probably isn’t even looking at us.

Going to bed at 9 on weekends is in no way an indication of my deteriorating youth.

I’m not the least bit jealous my son can unleash a Bellagio Fountain-esque pee over his shoulder with no consequence.

Laying down in bed at 11 and getting out of bed at 7 must mean I got a full night’s sleep.

I totally sanitized that toy before sticking it back in his mouth.

Poop? No, I didn’t hear anything. Go back to sleep.

This is just a phase.

He has his mother’s hairline.

I only make up songs to entertain the baby. No other reason.

My arm’s not tired. My shoulder’s not sore. My leg’s not asleep.

I know what I’m doing.